


Inverse reflections

by Thepresidentofrussia23



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Boys In Love, Character Death, Character Study, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. Whump, Dorks in Love, Ed Tucker is Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr's dad, Family Loss, Father-Son Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Imagination, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Rain, Sonny carisi dies, Sorry Not Sorry, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:13:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26707279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thepresidentofrussia23/pseuds/Thepresidentofrussia23
Summary: They didn't say that sacrifice came easy. Not even the heroes always came home.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Mike Dodds
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Silence is death

Mike Dodds never expected things to go this far, or to go this wrong so fast, for the situation to devolve this rapidly and to spiral out of his fingers, he had never expected that Dominick Carisi Jr "Call me Sonny" would stand up and volunteer to do the hostage negotiations against Munson. Carisi had always had been smitten with the older Sargent and he had tried so hard to keep his feelings for Mike, the son of the Police Chief William Dodds, under control. He knew that if he confessed or tried to open up about his feelings, how would he ever know what the older man would react, much less how would the police chief, he was scared that if he confessed, Mike would hate him forever. 

Sonny had always been a bisexual man since he was young and was attracted towards men and women, but he had been leaning towards men as of lately and he liked how handsome Barba and Miked looked and how they shot smiles and glances, the touches they would keep his hopes going for a brief moment before the hope would fade away. Sonny was like the sun, his smiles and his energy would often give Mike hope that there was good out there in the world and that someday, truth and goodness would prevail over evil. Barba felt warm inside everytime he interacted with Sonny and he would feel that somehow, his work and his duties would bring meaning to the senseless and chaotic world that he was witnessing dissolve into fragments. 

Mike was not naive about the dangers of being a cop, he had seen many soliders as a Army Ranger die before their time, he watched many of them come home in boxes. He was all too familiar with the concept of death since he was a young man, he has been to too many military and cop funerals and comforted many widows, widowers and parents as well as bereaved children of the deceased. He never imagined one day he would need that comfort for himself as well. 

Barba, too was also familiar with the dangers of being a cop, it was already inherently dangerous being a lawyer in his profession and he was made familiar with the intensity of how dangerous it could be to be a officer of the court when he was mailed death threats during the Herodito case and it honestly terrorized him to the very core to realize that this was the job that would kill him someday, and it made him very sick to his core and to think that Sonny could ever die, that was something that was unthinkable. He always thought that Sonny would overcome any situation that life threw at him.

Sonny was a man of courage and whenever life threw obstacles at him, he was sure to overcome any obstacle with a smile on his face, he was sure he could make a difference in life, helping other people and making their life a little bit better and easier to live. Sonny had always wanted to become a priest as a kid, just like his two cousins and to help others, but he wanted to do more than just preach, he wanted to do, he wanted to see and to feel and to be with them and to make a greater impact than mere speeches.

Sonny was caring and was gentle, he never wished anybody ill, not even the worst of the worst in society, he always saw the good in everyone despite how awful they might have been in the past. Sonny hoped that Gary Munson would listen to him and obey his commands, he hoped that there was a sliver of goodness in that man's heart that would allow him to do what was right for once and stop hurting other people and to turn himself in. Munson had no intention of obeying the young man's commands and Sonny pleaded, for several long hours as Mike wrung his hands in anxiety, wishing he had taken over, as guilt pooled in his gut for sending off someone to their potential death. William Dodds, the police chief comforted him saying 

"Don't worry, if there is anybody that can talk down a captor, it's Detective Carisi, I have all the faith in the world with him, he will do what he needs to do. Everything will be okay. I promise."

Sonny meanwhile had to try and wrestle the gun from the man's hand, but Munson's grip was like iron, and he refused to let go of the gun and pulled the trigger on accident, the bullet traveled through Sonny's upper thigh and lower shin and he fired another bullet into Sonny's stomach as Ed fell to his knees, screaming for his son outside. He howled, an anguished scream that tore through his very soul, a primal scream of a parent that knows that their child is in distress, knowing that there is nothing that they can do and he ran inside, tackling Munson and punching him in the face with all the anger that burst out like a bomb inside his very chest and cried out when he saw the blood puddling around Sonny and held him before sobbing loudly as he cradled his son to his chest, holding pressure to Sonny's chest as the ever expanding red stain of blood reminded him that his son was slipping away from his fingers forever as he wailed "SONNY NO!"

Ed could feel the warm blood stain his own white dress shirt as he trembled and grabbed his radio and said 

"10-13! Officer Down! Shots fired! I need a bus in here!"

He never imagined that he would ever have to call an officer down code for his own son, his only son that he had and now he hated Benson, he hated her SO much, he was determined to make her pay, he was determined to make her never see another day as a NYPD captain again if his own son died. He pressed down on the gunshot wounds as hard as he could, the red, ink-like blood staining his own hands as tears blurred his vision, his hands were shaking as he screamed and screamed until his throat was raw and his lungs couldn't operate anymore, it was as if he was in a rudimentary form of a panic attack as the medics took over for him and he watched in terror and anxiety as Sonny moaned in pain and he moved his legs up and down as the medics carefully put him into the stretcher and then wheeled him into the ambulance, Ed could only see Sonny's bare feet as Sonny gave him a thumbs up and he smiled tearfully


	2. Inaction is death

Ed fell to his knees, terrified that his son Dominick would die, he was terrified of losing the only child he had and his blood was frozen in his veins as he ran to his car, with trembling fingers, he started the car, he took a deep breath as he focused on the motions of driving the car and not crashing it. The memories that filtered through his mind was like a lifetime of journeys and memories in his head, he remembered how he had slept with Eleanor Smith as she was a beautiful young woman in his college class, he had a crush on her and he liked her very much and he kissed her and soon that was the night Sonny was created.

He remembered how she soon after got engaged to Dominick Carisi Sr and his heart broke a little, he hated how his broken heart ached so much deep within, but he had accepted the fact that he was not worthy for her, Ed noticed one day she was pregnant and he was so happy for her and she soon said 

"Ed, I'm pregnant...It's yours."

Ed felt all the excitement and the rush of fatherhood come to him as he asked 

"What can I do to help?"

She nervously twirled her ring on her finger before adding 

"I'm going to name the baby after his step dad if its a boy and if its a girl, I'm gonna name her Maria Carisi."

Ed understood that she didn't want to lose her fiancé and that she loved Dominick Sr. very much, but it hurt him inside that she wouldn't at least let him have a say in what the baby's name would be, he knew that it would be okay, he just had to be there for the baby and support her as much as he could without being found out by her fiancé. He sent her money every month despite being a broke college student and when she gave birth, he gave her a baby basket full of clothes and gifts a new mother would need, he was so happy that the baby was born healthy and happy and when he saw baby Dominick in his plastic crib, his heart melted at the sight of the baby sleeping peacefully and innocently in the crib, determined to protect his son from the world.

Ed remembered watching Sonny grow from a tiny baby to a young competent and brave man who wanted to help others, he remembered how much his son was determined to become a cop and telling his son Sonny that he was his father was an initial shock that Ed thought Sonny would never be able to overcome but soon they began a unbreakable father/son bond like no other, Ed still was shocked that Sonny had been accepted to Fordham law and never told him or his mother or his step dad and Sonny was very apologetic about sneaking this one beneath their eyes and he promised to never lie to them again. Ed was terrified when Sonny said that he was going to be joining the NYPD, because being a cop is a very dangerous profession, not to mention that many spiral down a road of bitterness and become dirty cops and harm others as a result.

Ed supported his son regardless and he was glad that Sonny found a home at the Manhattan SVU after so many transfers, it was a miracle in a sense and he was glad that his own son found the miracle that he needed to find to succeed. Tears ran down Ed's face as he slowly pulled up to the hospital and parked in the parking lot and then went up to the secretary and showed her his badge and said 

"My name is Captain Ed Tucker, I'm here to see my son Dominick Carisi Jr. I'm his medical proxy."

He swallowed thickly as his voice became clogged with emotion as he added

"My son was shot...He was shot in the line of duty."

And that was when his wall of fortitude and mental strength crumbled and he broke down sobbing as he sat on the chair and waited for news on his son, terrified that Sonny was already DOA.

He stopped believing that Sonny would make it and started praying that he would, meanwhile doctors were fighting to save Sonny's life and that they would be able to figure out where the bleeding was coming from before it was too late. Sonny was soon taken to the recovery room as they managed to patch him up temporarily, they would take him back in for further surgery to try and remove the bullet fragments still embedded in his torso and leg. Soon a bloodied surgeon came by and ushered Ed by his son's side as the rest of the SVU arrived and waited in the waiting room to see Sonny anxiously. Sonny opened his eyes, his vision was blurred as he gazed towards his father and whimpered 

"Dad...I'm so sorry...I never meant to get hurt like this. I swear."

Ed teared up a little as he kissed his son's forehead and said 

"I'm not mad at you, I'm just scared that you're really badly hurt. Please...just be more careful Sonny, no more heroics next time...okay?"

Sonny nodded as his step sisters Gina, Theresa, and Bella as well as his mother ran in to visit him and hold his hands as they chatted with him for over a good hour and soon Barba and Mike came in to talk to him as Ed left the room with Sonny's family members. Ed noticed that they seemed to have a romantic affinity with his son and he was happy that Sonny had found love with them, he hoped that Sonny would finally ask them both out and settle down in a relationship. 

Ed sat down outside as he twiddled his thumbs and held Eleanor's hand and comforted her, trying to reassure her with false reassurances that he somehow didn't believe himself and hoped that everything would play out for the best. He was lost in his thoughts when Sonny suddenly suffered from a hemorrhagic stroke and fell in a coma. Doctors rushed in as Dominick Sr. burst into tears and covered his face in fright, Eleanor wept noisily in Ed's arms, who was struggling to reel in his emotions, he was trying to be strong for the couple even though his heart was breaking for his son and he was trying to understand what this meant in terms of recovery and onwards. Ed was not a doctor but he knew that having a stroke was not good news and his heart broke silently in his chest as he prayed and prayed harder than ever, harder than he did when he was trapped and buried alive in the concrete tombs of Paris and he was suffocating to death alone while desperately communicating to the rescuers via his cellphone which was running out of battery rapidly. The darkness and the spiders terrified him that day and they still, to this very day, frightened him, Ed knew that every person had a primordial fear that as a result of evolution, their ancestors had evolved to fear and said genetics had been passed down to him and yet, he still couldn't overcome his fear no matter what, even despite facing it down in that Parisian tomb that day didn't shake off his fear, but rather amplified his fear of the darkness and spiders and tight spaces. 

He stepped inside the room tearfully and inhaled sharply as he whispered 

"My god...no...it...it can't...be."

Tears flooded his crystal, aquamarine eyes, that resembled the heavens above on a cloudless, sunny day and he sat by Sonny's bedside as he was intubated and sedated heavily as he was dismayed and horrified by how far down this had all gone. He wanted accountability for what had happened and now.


	3. The reaper stands by ready

Ed went in the room, tears flooding his eyes and his voice silent with shock as he was trying to make sense of what had happened so far and he was scared that he was about to lose his son, he was mad at Benson for sending his son in recklessly without backup or without a bullet vest, he wanted his son to be okay, but something in him said that his son was going to die and he hated that gut feeling in him so much because he wanted to believe that everything would be okay and that Sonny would open his eyes and be wondering where he was and reassure everyone that it was all just a scratch. 

Ed sat in the hard backed plastic chair and held his son's hand and wiped his tears, they were threatening to spill over the edges of his eyes and he knew that if he started crying, he wouldn't be able to stop crying. He saw Benson looking into the room, her eyes looking like they were filled with regret and now she looked like she had wished she had done something different, none of that regret or wistfulness would quench his or Eleanor's fury, they both were angry at her and they both hated her so much for what she had done, her recklessness had endangered their son and she didn't seem to know how to delegate except to get others except herself killed.

Eleanor screamed at Benson, her motherly wrath at the younger, brunette woman exploding, she had nothing but malice for the Captain, not after what Benson had done to her son as she screamed loudly 

"You BITCH! I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN! YOU ARE A BABY KILLER! YOU BABY KILLER! I SWEAR I'LL SUE YOU! DON'T EVER COME NEAR MY SON'S ROOM AGAIN! YOU HEAR! I'LL HAVE YOU IN JAIL!!!"

She screamed loud profanities until she was asked by a nurse to be quiet or leave the hospital and she finished off with spitting on Olivia's face and then stomping off as Ed added 

"Don't think I'm here to comfort you, not after what you did. I'll be surprised if the Police Chief allows you to still be on the force after this and a multitude of complaints against you. You aren't a model cop so you can drop the damn St. Olivia act. It isn't cute and it gains you no sympathy. There are especially no bleeding hearts here that are torn up for you, not after the amount of complaints from witnesses and victims saying that you have bullied them into testifying. You're so damn unbelievable. I'm surprised the Police Chief gave you a second chance since your previous fuck up put Sgt. Dodds on a damn WHEELCHAIR!" 

Olivia tried to add 

"But I only did what I thought was best for each case."

Ed snorted "Enough. Your excuses are pathetic, and let me tell you this: If my son dies, I will not be as forgiving as Sonny's mother. This is not a threat, the Tucker family is above that. We make promises, and when a Tucker makes a promise, they do whatever it takes to carry it out, and you bet that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you never ever wear that shield or carry that gun or call yourself a Captain of the NYPD ever again. You hear? That is my promise to you. You had better be on your knees praying that my son pulls through or else you'll never see the inside of a precinct again. Remember, if I have to pull the plug on my baby boy, I'll make sure that your career dies along with him, kapeesh?"

She took a step back, terrified as he icily strode by her, his gaze was that of a person who could easily freeze you within an instant and have no second thoughts of doing so. Ed closed the door on her face and notified staff to keep her away from Sonny's room and he sobbed for a long time, he hadn't cried this much ever, he was scared for his son and he could see that Sonny's step sisters were as well, Theresa finally had managed to come in from Robbery while Bella came in from Vice and Gina came from Homicide, all three of them were cops as well and even they were angry at Olivia as well. Gina growled 

"I always hated that witch. She was so high and mighty about her personal pain and shoving it down the victims throats and reminding others that she was a survivor as if that's the only thing that's her defining characteristic.

Sonny mumbled softly "Is the farm moving? I'll get the truck...say g'bye Mike." And his heart stopped right there and then.

Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr had died and Ed crumbled, as he held Eleanor close to him, they both cried and cried, they wailed, hysterical with grief as the doctor called the time and draped a white sheet over his lifeless body and then unplugged the machine and took the body away. Dr. Warner sobbed for the young detective that always made her smile and now she had to autopsy. 

When the doctor told the squad that Sonny had died, Mike sobbed in his father's arms, wailing helplessly, and William held him tightly, afraid to lose his only son as well, tears were rolling down his cheeks as his chest heaved with sobs and all Benson could feel was a coldness traveling up her spine, knowing that her career was doomed, gone and dead with Carisi. Ed felt wrath and anger burn through his body as he screamed and Eleanor screamed at Benson as Amanda had to hold back Eleanor who was sobbing and crying and Fin had to hold back a weeping and heartbroken Ed. Fin knew that if he had lost his only child like they did, he would be raging with fury as he held Ed, until just stopped struggling and crumpled to his knees and the doctors sedated both of them, and took them to two rooms to rest. Chief Dodds simply said "Rest in peace... Detective Carisi, you were the bravest, the kindest and the most amazing hero that the NYPD had. The angels all weep tonight."


	4. And you fade away

Ed woke up, his consciousness returning to him back in bits and pieces and soon the realization that his son was dead also hit him and he broke down hard, harder than he did last night. His emotions were crushing with grief, sadness and depression from the loss of his son. He felt it all hit him, a wave of crushing hurt and loneliness filled in the black, dark void that was left behind by the death of his son and he did not know what to do to make this feeling stop or to go away, he hated this feeling and it hurt, like as if a thousand knives were stabbing him all at once and he was helpless to the agony all inside. He could feel a million fragments press on the inside of his skin, pressing against the sides of his flesh like needles, the heartbreak was slowly poisoning him on the inside. His body shook with sobs that he couldn't hold back no matter how much he tried, he could feel every bit of him die slowly, little by little and he was helpless before the maelstrom of exhaustion and depression that was starting to overtake him completely. 

Ed got up and went to get his coat jacket and washed his face at the sink and bathroom in his hospital room and signed himself out and then pulled out a pack of Marlboro cigarettes', they were very old and he hadn't smoked in a very long time, he remembered quitting a long time ago, but now, such memories didn't matter anymore, not when his son was on that cold, steel slab, lifeless forever. He counted the fifty steps in his head, the fifty steps he needed to be away from the hospital entrance or else someone would complain on him for smoking and endangering the public. 

1...2...3...4...5...6

He felt memories of a toddler Sonny giggle and chase him around and call him "Uncle Ed" slam into him, those were the days of him being there as a uncle to watch over his very own son, he didn't want to destroy Eleanor's marriage, but he wasn't going to use that as an excuse to be away from his son, he was going to be there every step of the way with him and watch over him and guide him every bit of the way.

7...8...9...10...11...12

Barba wept quietly in private, he didn't know if he had the right to mourn such a brave and kind man as Sonny Carisi Jr; Not when he had been kind, forgiving, gentle and truthful and always there for other people and for other victims. The doctor sadly gave him a sympathetic look and guided him to the morgue and the technician lifted the sheet off of Sonny's head and shoulders, to allow him to say his last goodbyes and Barba sobbed at the sight of how lifeless Sonny looked now. His rosy cheeks and pinkish lips were now faded and pale, his eyelids forever shut and never to open their beautiful baby blue irises again. Sonny would never again spout off legal advice or shove Italian food down his throat or comfort him after a difficult case again. Sonny was dead forever. Barba felt tears streaming down his cheek as he kissed Sonny's lifeless, cold lips one last time.

13...14...15...16...17...18...19

Olivia was filled with anxiety, she could not sleep all night long, all she could see was Ed and Eleanor screaming and cursing and spitting on her all night long. Not even Noah's presence seemed to comfort her at all, even when she held his crib close all night long, she was terrified of losing him. She sighed and bravely went to One Police Precinct where Police Chief William Dodds stood in his dark blue dress blues along with his son Sargent Michael Dodds, both wearing mourning ribbons over their badges as a silent sign that they, too were grieving the loss of their fellow brother in arms. Police Chief Dodds merely said with an icy cold voice that could freeze the blood in any hardened criminal's arteries and veins:

"We request you to hand over your gun and badge. You are hereby suspended, pending termination Captain Olivia Margaret Benson."

She slowly pulled out her gun and badge and handed it to him and left in tears as her heart crumbled. Her life's work was going down the drain and she couldn't stop it.

20...21...22...23...24...25...26

Amanda Rollins was sobbing loudly in her palms as she hugged her dog Frannie, her heart was breaking over and over and she couldn't get the grief to stop hurting, she drank a glass of wine and called Dr. Lindstrom for a therapy session. Explaining to Billie and Jessie that their godfather Sonny had died was the worst thing she could do, it was hard making her kids familiar with the concept of death, not when Jessie was so young and so was Billie, they both cried for their Uncle Sonny in her arms. She knew she needed someone to save her before she spiraled again, and she was determined to never spiral again, not after when Sonny had given so much of his life to the NYPD. She began to wail and wail, she wailed for a man that never returned her feelings, never accepted drinks from her and never, ever went out with her. She realized that he had rejected her, even in death Sonny never had feelings for her, she was sure of that.

27...28...29...30...31...32

Fin Tutuola felt sadness and hurt over the loss of Sonny, holding Ed back made him realize that his son, who was a nurse, could easily die too, there were people who often killed nurses and it made him feel sick knowing that even his son could get murdered and not know. He learned so much from Sonny and it made his heart break seeing that raw, destructive emotion on Ed and Eleanor's faces as they mourned and grieved. It made him realize more than ever, life was precious and fragile. He pulled out a old and aged whiskey and poured it into a glass and raised a silent toast for Sonny and lit a candle for him. Fin picked up the cell phone and dialed his son's phone number and spoke and spoke for a long time, he didn't want to lose the sound of Ken's voice. That night Fin could not sleep at all, all he could think of was Sonny and his last moments on Earth were of utter pain and terror.

33...34...35...36

Ed fell to his knees at the thirty sixth step, sobbing. He realized that his son was only thirty six years old and was already dead. He was sure that even if his son lived a billion years, he would never be ready to let go of his son, he wasn't sure how could people lose their kids and move on, for him, life had just completely stopped and he would never be able to move on. Ed pulled out his lighter and lit the cigar with trembling fingers and puffed his first puff in a long, long time. He sobbed, realizing that Sonny was supposed to turn thirty seven in two weeks. He even had a nice plan to take Sonny out to see Miami on a surprise trip and get a tan. Sonny would never get to see that birthday or see Miami. All Ed wanted was for his heart to stop breaking constantly, he felt like a heap of pieces and it was destroying him inside as he could feel Mike's arms hugging him and he felt like he was not alone. He sobbed and sobbed until some person walking by made a snide remark 

"Geez, smoking kills, you know?"

Ed snorted and half sobbed "You have no idea what is fucking killing me inside. It's the fucking heartbreak of losing my only son...my grown up kid...he's gone...KIA..." 

The person uncomfortably walked away as Ed sobbed in Mike's shoulder and Mike just held him tightly, sobbing as well.


	5. I see the clouds moving everyday

Ed was in a haze of grief and loss all week long, his mind was everywhere, scattered to the wind in a thousand pieces of confusion, hurt and sadness. He still refused to believe that Sonny was gone, every time his phone rang with fellow cops delivering condolences to him, he prayed it was Sonny calling him to say it was all a part of a undercover job and that he had to fake his death in order to go deep under. He begged all the gods in existence that he knew of to bring his son back, he even begged them to take his life and bring back Sonny. Ed cycled through moments of denial and weeping, as if that would heal his broken heart and he smoked like a chimney and it stunk up his home, he smelled like cigarettes and something like aftershave and sunblock.

Sonny's sisters made sure that Sonny's wishes from his Last Will and Testament were carried out to the letter and according to his estate, he had handed his family everything in case if something terrible had happened. Sonny had made sure that his sisters had plenty of money to inherit so that they would all be able to take care of themselves. Tucker drank up another glass of wine, wondering where he had gone wrong to deserve such a painful and excruciating loss. He wanted to know what made him deserve such pain, and most of all, he wanted to know who thought that Sonny deserved to die in pain like that.

Ed was glad for once that he didn't have to interrogate the perp, he was sure that he would have sent Gary Munson to the morgue within five minutes of starting the interrogation. Ed was sure that he would have to be dragged out if he had interrogated the cop killer, the murderer of his only son. 

It was a sunny day when the funeral began, without a cloud in the sky, and Ed hated the beautiful weather, it seemed like a mockery to the pain and the grief and the loss that hung in the air like the smoke that he constantly exhaled from his lungs. Tucker went inside the church, he could feel more memories of his son being a devout Roman Catholic, whereas he was a Protestant and yet despite their religious differences, they always managed to be civil and were able to disagree without fighting. Ed felt his tears well up again as he sat in the pew as he watched as people started filing in and he took the bible and opened it up to the verses of Matthew from the King James Bible, hoping to find comfort and sanity during his time of turmoil. 

He felt tears glaze over his vision as he stared at his son's smiling official portrait, Sonny's smile was endless and beautiful and looked like it could chase away the presence of any storms in a room, bringing cheer and love with him. Soon the higher up officials came in and he stood up to salute the Commissioner Frank Reagan and the Police Chief William Dodds. He numbly shook hands with them all as he listened to their condolences, after a while, as a person in mourning, condolences seem empty, hollow and ring meaningless in the ears of mourners and that was what Ed felt like was happening to him, listening to them apologize for his loss, as if a pathetic "I'm sorry for your loss." can heal your broken heart again, as if it can bring back the dead again. 

Soon the bagpipes started playing "Amazing Grace" and the pallbearers included Amanda, Mike, Fin, Amaro and two other cops he didn't know the names of, he felt like he wanted to scream, turn time back, as he watched as his son's flag draped coffin was carried to the dais and they laid the coffin on the stand with careful, precise and measured movements, and with commands barked out from the main leader. 

Tucker hated the dress blues he was wearing, and he hated the reasons behind why he often had to wear them. He sweated in them and they were incredibly itchy and he wished he could rip off the coat and get out into the fresh air, and maybe, just maybe fucking stop feeling like there was an elephant on his chest and that someone was continually sucking the oxygen out of the air. He felt like as if time at that moment stopped as the priest went to the podium to deliver his speech and talked about religion in confusing ways that didn't make sense to Ed, he was a Protestant after all. Ed watched as Sonny's step sisters all came to the podium to deliver their speeches one by one. Tucker however noticed that Olivia was nowhere to be seen. He was mad because even John Munch, a man who hardly knew Sonny, still showed up at the young man's funeral.

Soon he had to go up and deliver his speech about his son, he walked to the dais, standing next to his son's coffin, it felt so unreal that Sonny was lying in that coffin before he did and it hurt Tucker deep inside. He unfolded the paper, praying with all his might that someone would shake him awake and reassure him that it was all a dream, and that his son was alive. Alas, the page with its words were unfolded in front of him and he was still standing next to the coffin.

"Dominick Sonny Carisi Jr may not have been my son in name, but he was my son in blood and through love. I remember the day he was born, he...he opened his baby blue eyes at me and they were filled with so much innocence that I thought...'Who would want to hurt such a beautiful little boy?' And yet now...He's gone. And that's the most painful part is that no parent should ever have to bury their child, no parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. I loved Sonny, he was a kind and loving boy and I raised him and was by his side every bit of the way I could. I only wish I had been there for him more. I wish I had spent more time with him and I wish he had more time with all of us. I know I'll never have Sonny again to remind me to stretch and take breaks from the paperwork and relax more often. I'll never have Sonny to stuff Italian food down my throat or help me with my cases despite him with his cases in the SVU. Sonny I'll see you again someday I promise."

He sat down sobbing uncontrollable sobs that he had managed to hold at bay so long, he couldn't do it anymore, he cried his heart out in his palms as the ceremony continued and then they took the coffin to the cemetery for the burial ceremony. He followed along with the funeral procession, weeping loudly as he drove, he couldn't hold back his emotions in any longer, the pain was hurting so much. 

At the cemetery, he watched as the flag was folded and presented to Eleanor and she held onto the flag and wept and another flag was folded and handed to him and he hugged the folded flag, he wailed, wailed not caring to hold back his emotions, not caring to look all steel faced, he just was crumbling outright and he didn't care one bit, even if it took a thousand lives, forever for them to see what was inside of him, for them to see the reflection of grief, to see how much he was dying inside because of how much he had lost. It was destroying him inside and it would destroy him until the very end as he stared at the pills and gun that would end him and his pain forever.


End file.
